The old school yard taunt used to go “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes____with the baby carriage.” When we thought a girl liked a boy we would tease her with this rhyme. But the sequence was one we all accepted as the norm. People were in love; they got married; they had children. When the sequence was out of order, producing a baby before a marriage, two possibilities were available when I was growing up. Either the marriage was hurried and the child was born “prematurely,” or the girl was sent off to a home for unwed mothers. The child was then adopted by a couple who were married.
My maternal grandmother posed for her wedding portrait in 1917 before she married my grandfather. The ceremony was simple, followed a set prayer sequence from a prayer book, and the young couple went off on their honeymoon. When my grandmother was eighty she confided in me:”Your grandfather and I knew nothing about anything, but we figured it out all right.” Eventually they had my mother in 1922!
Things have changed enormously during my lifetime. Many couples I know of have lived together, bought a house, had a child or two and then married. In their case, the wedding seems to be a gigantic party costing an arm and a leg. The party seems to be the focus, rather than the marriage itself. My grandparents would have been astounded. In fact, when I was in my twenties I would have been astounded. It not only wasn’t done, we wouldn’t have been able to imagine it. Stigma still clung to “living together” into the 1970’s, and babies were still supposed to enter the scene after the parents were married.
In the next few days, I will be talking through the vows my husband and I made on our wedding day. The emphasis will be on the marriage we were embarking upon, not the wedding itself. Stay tuned.
Saved By Words 
I have been married more than once, but each time it was more like a nice meal for two dozen friends and family than like a zoo that cost a few years’ earnings. It was fine for me–I did make my first wedding dress though, and enjoyed that a lot.
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I like the focus on the relationship between the couple and their friends and family, not on the extravaganza.
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I agree. A party is a party, but marriage is for a long long time–
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How old were your grandparents when they married?
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27. Fully grown.
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Wow. My grandparents were much younger when they married.
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They were old for the time I think.
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When I first got married, in 1977, it was a small affair, with a quiet celebration at a house after.
I expected that marriage to last, and to eventually have children. By that time, we had many friends who were living together, and some who already had children, without even contemplating marriage.
My marriage lasted just eight years, and we changed our minds about having children in the meantime. Over here, it now seems to be the ‘norm’ to have the children first, then see if you like each other enough to think about getting married at some stage in the future.
Best wishes, Pete.
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Funny since having children usually reduces the affection for the other. It would be challenging to assess if you like each other enough at that point!
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Life sure has changed, some things for the better, other things….maybe not so much. I recall my grandma–with a scrunched up face–saying in astonishment when trying to understand something new, “I never HEARD of that!” Millennials seems to do things “backwards” compared to how we were raised; yet, from my view, I’m trying to focus on the people they are becoming…without scrunching up my face. 😉
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Good idea. I still scrunch my face I’m afraid.
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The weddings certainly have gotten more elaborate and expensive! I could not have imagined spending that kind of money on a wedding 33 years ago, even though it was a very special day.
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I think the focus has gone away from the deeper meaning of being married.
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